Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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