based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
