Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i now understand why vodka
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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