Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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