Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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