sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
