i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
