i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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