im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
