I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
