she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
