in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
