You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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