I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
