why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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