I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
