She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
