We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
