Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
