I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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