highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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