Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
