The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
