It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
