I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
