Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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