All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
