took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
