Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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