where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
