I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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