the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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