Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's never too late to be topless.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
