Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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