He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
