Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
