I am in a vortex of obligation.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have aggressive nipples.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
