I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
