Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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