We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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