Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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