I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
