I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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