fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
