I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
