sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
