Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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