So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
