Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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