i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
