meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
