waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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