I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
