420 ftw
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
