then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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